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Autopsy of a D/s relationship

In life you make connections with people. Some connections are meaningful, some are not. Among the meaningful connections, some change your life in a way that makes you totally unrecognisable so much so that you end up a different person.

I have met such a person in my first Dom.

We only started as friends, then as a rigging partnership and moved on to a D/s.

He had such a profound influence on me because he was the person who introduced me to the physical world of BDSM, to the world of Rope and then the world of D/s. I have made my first steps in the BDSM world holding his hand. As all this was happening, I was in a very bad stage in my divorce, being called names and being generally mentally abused but he has been by my side, supporting me when I needed it.

Also, I felt a mind connection with him in the sense that he understood me and I understood him. We could talk about anything and everything and have a lot of fun, including his pet subject Les Miserables.

He’s someone I am going to miss a lot but that I cannot afford keeping around me for my sanity. Our connection was far too strong, far too deep (at least on my side). It has been short (a few months) but it changed me completely.

Before him, I didn’t know who I was bdsm-wise, though I had an inkling. Now I know. Before him, I was full of insecurities. I am much less so. Before him I wasn’t writing. Now I do. He’s not responsible for all these changes. I have made those changes. But he has been a guide, a presence pushing me in the right direction.

Now someone new is going to take his place, someone new will influence on the direction my life will take, how I will evolve as a person. That someone new might already be on my radar or is there somewhere. I am ready for that person. I will give him all of me, my body and soul. I will submit to him like I have done with my first Dom, maybe more so. And I will be on a new journey and writing a new story.

Potential Dom kidnaps potential sub - Part I

Today is the day when prospective Dom kidnaps prospective sub. They can't wait to be really together so prospective Dom (PD for short) is kidnapping propective sub (ps) to give her an experience she will never forget.

Everyone knows she'll be away for the day and NOT to disturb her under any circumstances.

They are meeting in a very quiet cul-de-sac area in order not to raise any suspicions. He's with his car, she's with... well with nothing.

For authenticity, she gives him her bag that he puts under the front passenger sit and they get started.

He's got a roll of duct tape in his hands which he puts on top of the car and grabs her arms, twisting them behind her back. He pushes her against the car, grabs the duct tape and binds her hands. He then tape her mouth and her eyes. He opens the back door and pushes her on the car floor. He then tapes her ankles and her knees. He covers her with a grey blanket and closes the door.

They are all set to go to their kidnapping adventure. PD has a country house on the South Coast which is not overlooked by miles. It is the perfect location for what he has planned.

After driving for an hour, they arrive at their destination. He opens the door, removes the blanket, frees her ankles & her knees and pulls her out of the car. If she were petite and slim, he would just carry her on her shoulder but potential sub is more … substantial shall we say, therefore she has to walk. He closes the door and make her walk along the path, making sure that she doesn’t trip over anything since she cannot see anything.

They go inside the house, straight across the living room, up the stairs, down the corridor into the room that he has baptised The Punishment Room. Basically, this is the room where all the fun happens. He removes her bounds and make her sit on the chair. He only removes the duct tape on the eyes but leaves the one over the mouth. We wouldn’t want ps to scream, that wouldn’t do. Even though we don’t have any neighbours for miles around, a rarity in the south country, still a naked wanderer might decide to pop in in the area and could hear her screams. (Oh I remember, he’s in jail in Scotland, no chance of seeing him down south then).

The room is partially furnished as it is still in construction but there is sufficient equipment for what he has in mind. As she had her arms taped behind her back for a long time, he has to tie her hands up front but as he was going to turn around to get started, she darts out of the room to try to escape. What she hasn’t thought of is that he has locked it from the inside and he has the key on him. Tttttt. Oh dear oh dear, ps trying to escape, oh dear oh dear. He gets to her very quickly and grabs her hands behind her back and ties her hands very very tightly as a punishment for her escape bid. He then takes her to the spanking bench and put all the Velcro straps around her to ensure she does not move. Now he can have his fun with her.

He had asked her prior to the kidnapping to wear a dress with some very high end underwear and tights. He lifts the dress up and pulls down both the tights and the pants, thus revealing her bottom prime for some colouring.

He remembers from one of their conversation that her favourite impact plays were spanking and flogging. He thus selects a very mean looking flogger, especially to punish her for her escape bid. He starts by warming her buttock with some very light hand slaps, gradually increasing the intensity and the frequency. Once satisfied that her cheek were warm and pink enough, he moves to the flogger which he starts using slowly and gently but is increasing both in impact and speed. She is definitely a lot warmer and her clit is definitely getting a lot wetter. She likes that. Well, we’d better continue then. He puts in finger in her slit to feel her and he can hear her moan. Yes, we are definitely doing well here. But she is being punished so we’re going to leave her waiting like this.

He thus takes a book lying on the table and sits next to her and start reading silently. She looks startled as she didn’t expect this. What is he doing? She wants more, so much more. She is very very excited and she definitely needs release. She can’t move so she can’t do anything to alleviate the frustration that she is feeling. She can’t even talk to him as she is gagged! But she can still do “mmmmmmm” “mmmmmmm” “mmmmmm” and that she does a lot.

He thus asks her what she wants, not removing the gag of course. “mmmmmm” “mmmmmmm” “mmmmm”. What darling, I don’t understand what you are saying. “mmmmmmmm” “mmmmmmmm” You want me to play with you, is that what you want? “mmmmm” Let me see. He goes to check her pussy and it is way way more ready than 5 minutes ago, way more wet too and oh so inviting. (They had agreed prior to having sexual intercourse if the opportunity arised) She is totally tethered and cannot do anything. He’s having pity of her and removes the gag.

You want sex, do you?

Yes please please Sir

I don’t know if you deserve it my dear, you have tried to escape…

Please please Sir, I will be a good prisoner from now on, please Sir, can we do it Sir?

I really don’t know. Let me think for a minute.

And thus he takes his book again, sit on the chair and resumes his reading. You can hear her frustration growing by the minute.

Please oh please Sir, can you give me release? You got me edging for a week now without any release and I am so so so needy. Please Sir.

But her pleas are falling on deaf ears as he has a plan for her, except that she doesn’t know it. Basically, he will make her wait a bit more today, well a lot more today. Thus he lets her plead and plead some more and just ignores her. He’s reading his book, well half reading as he is totally enjoying the denial torture he’s giving her. The more she is denied, the more she’s ready, that’s the beauty of it. Once she realised that she is not going to get anything, she stopped begging and went completely silent and calm. She realised that she’s not going to change anything and that she would have to go through whatever he had planned for her.

As she was calm, he decided to move on to the next stage. He removes all the straps from the spanking bench and unties her. He holds her arm very tightly and takes her to the bathroom, instructing her to have a shower and then to wait by the entrance naked. She has 5 minutes, no more, to complete her task. She showers and waits as instructed. He’s nowhere to be seen. She’s tempted to try escaping again but she’s afraid that he may make her pay afterwards with more denial. Escape, no escape. Escape, no escape. Oh hell, escape. As he’s nowhere to be seen (actually, he’s waiting for her down the stairs, hidden with handcuffs on the ready), she walks slowly, without making noise and makes her way down the stairs. She’s clever but she doesn’t know that she has found her match as, as soon as she puts her foot down the last step, he cuffs her right wrist and grabs her left wrist to cuff it too, so fast that she doesn’t have a chance to fight against it.

Annabella & Hector: Steel play

At last, 7pm. I sent the kid to his dad and got the flat for me for the whole night. Hector is coming. I have followed his instructions to the letter: dress up in white lacy underwear, collar on, leash ready by the door, all the toys laid out on the bed in pain level ascending order (my order as in my choice of the instrument used for warm up, standard practice and the one to push the limits) and all the restraint means: rope, handcuffs and individual steel cuffs. Both Hector and I are starting to accumulate a nice collection of toys.

Anyway, the bell rings.

Good evening Annabella, you look gorgeous like this.

Thank you Hector, you look pretty dashing in your suit. Here is my leash.

And I present him my leash in a silver plate, for him to attach to my collar and thus to claim me for the evening. This is a gesture that completely reinforces my submission to him. If he were to refuse doing it, I would feel completely at loss, bereft, rejected. It would be a very strong gesture carrying heavy meaning. He has never done so. He knows how I feel about it so he always asks that I have it ready for as soon as he comes in.

He pulls me towards the kitchen table and we both sit. We discuss what we did during the weekend and our plans for the week ahead. Once we reconnected, we're ready to play. He thus sends me to the bedroom to wait for him. I am to wait by the corner, my back turned so that I cannot see what he is going to do.

I hear him coming and pick up something from the bed. He comes to me and blindfolds me. He grabs my wrist sharply and I can feel the handcuffs being put on. When I feel the handcuffs, my automatic reaction is to fight against him to grab my other wrist. So I struggle and hide my hand as much as I can. He tries to grab my arm with his free hand as he's holding the cuffs with the other. I am holding onto my freedom as much as I possibly can. If he wants my hand he'll have to work for it! And work he does as I am not giving it. He slaps my bottom really hard to make me startle and uses my surprise to cuff me. My hands are behind my back and there is no way I can now escape. But my struggle was fun. I so like doing that and he so hates it.

He grabs my arm and pulls me sharply toward the bed. I think I may regret my fun very shortly as he pulls down my pants and starts pounding my cheeks with his hands without any warm-up. OK, he's in his moods! I'll just have to take it.

Annabella, you have been a naughty girl and your bum is now a beautiful sight. As I can't see anything, I'd have to take his word for it. He makes me sit on the bed and goes away. Next thing I know, my legs are shacked. It looks like steel is the theme this evening.

Next thing I know, I have a steel chain going across my body above and below my chest and I can here the padlock closing.

The sensations you get from steel is way different to rope, much harsher, colder and so unforgiving. I can feel the chain biting my skin, restricting me, pulling me into my submissive headspace. I don't feel like struggling anymore but I feel like lying down and enjoy these sensations, these feelings.

Hector, being so in tune with me understood what I wanted and helps me lie down on the bed. He lies next to me and holds me tight. I have a feeling he's after an easy evening. He knows that when I am restrained that way, I just go in my headspace and relax. So his plan worked in the end.

And we lay like this, doing nothing, enjoying each other's company, me physically controlled, him controlling me and owning me.

When you lose something that was meaningful to you,

this is what you go through:

1.Denial
2.Anger
3.Bargaining
4.Depression
5.Acceptance

I think I am now at 5. acceptance with regards to the breakup of my relationship. Cutting bridges was what I needed to do.

What I am really sad about is that it is at a cost of a great friendship, someone I felt so close, who could understand me and me him. Maybe we can rekindle it in the future when this is over but I have to think that it is permanently gone to move on, so I do.

I have to be selfish as I was recently reminded and I have to make sure I am OK. I don't want to shed any more tears. I have cried enough for my husband and for my ex-Dom. This is it. It stops here and it stops now.

I am tired but I will be OK.

Senses

Smell
Touch
Sight
Hearing
Taste

These are our senses.

When I play, I don't like seeing. Seeing makes me analyse information and thus it is the brain that leads the game.

Hearing is a bit of a difficulty as I have a hearing problem (wearing hearing aids).

Taste doesn't come into play, at least my play.

Therefore that leaves 2 senses that are essential to me and will make or break a great play date: smell and touch.

I am very in tune with these 2 senses and they are what I mainly use during play.

SMELL

I need to smell the masculinity of my play partner: maybe his after-shave, or his Eau de Cologne or just his own sent. If a playmate puts his arm next to my face, I will smell it and will try to register it to put in my smell database. It is a very small database but it contains the smells that have influenced my life: my dad, my first husband, my first Dom, my playmates (very few of them). I pretty much wouldn't be able to recognise the first two any more as they haven't been that close to me for a little while now. But I would certainly recognise my first Dom's. I am looking forward to increasing my smell knowledge with my new playmates and see how I can remember them (please don't get offended if you read this, you smell good, I promise).

TOUCH

This is the most important sense that I use, either it is me who is touching or I am touched. But gentle touch is not what I like. I like rough touch, strong touch, viril touch, hurting touch, marking touch. This is what I like. Gentleness is not for me. For me to having this sense heightened, I need to be made blind. The loss of sight enables me to focus on what I feel, the texture of what I feel, the pain of what I feel. I can be touched by hands or I can be touched by ropes or even by a flogger.

If you play with me, you will notice that hands are extremely important to me. This is how you will communicate with me, with your hands. Your hands are how you will control me and thus how I will end up feeling/behaving. Hands are so important to me that it is the reason why I could not go back to just rope play when my first Dom & I broke up because his hands held too much meanings to me.


Because I rely mainly on these 2 senses when I play, this is the reason why how you look like is a bit irrelevant to me. How you play is what is important and how we connect. Your hands are what will create a connection to me, not your face, not your voice, your hands. Look after them. They are very valuable.

A man and a woman

The setting: a laird
The protagonists: a man and a woman

No words are needed in this play. They only need to communicate via their senses and their connective energy.

Both protagonists are naked and ready to play. The man takes the woman's hand and tugs it sharply so that he can then hold her very tightly. While having her in his hold, she struggles very hard to get free. But he doesn't let her go. Instead, he grabs her arm and twists it behind her back in order to control her. He grabs his rope and uncoils it. He then wraps it around the wrist of the arm he has twisted behind her back. As he has her wrist bound, he puts his arm around her chest to hold her and passes the rope above her shoulder, across the chest and then gets it back at the bound wrist where he makes a first knot just above it.

He then grabs her second wrist very sharply to bind it the same way and he repeats what he has done before.

He then passes the rope twice above her breasts and twice below, making knots along the way to secure the rope and thus to secure her.

As he has a lot of rope remaining, he uses the remainder to cover her eyes and her mouth.

She has nowhere to go, nothing to see, nothing to fight for...

Except that she is struggling still despite being tightly bound. She tries to break free, both from her bonds and from his hands. He doesn't let her go.

Instead, he grabs a carabineer which he attaches to the complex structure showing on her back and , still holding her, grabs a new rope, passes it through a ring on the ceiling and back inside the carabineer. He does this three or four times and then wraps the rope on itself to strengthen the link.

She is thus unable to escape. She can only move up to what the rope attached to the ceiling will let her to.

She is now his to play with.

And he starts by grabbing her hair violently in order to smell her neck and bite her ear lobe. She moans. While keeping her head pulled, he grabs her left breast and squeezes it as much as he can. She emits a gasp. He doesn't let go of the breast, not reduces the pressure intensity. Even though she is bound, she tries to move to free both her breast and her hair but she cannot as both holds are actually carefully thought of to keep her where she is. She cannot move.

He grabs another rope and attach it on one of her ankles. He then pull the rope through a loop anchored in the floor on the side of where she is. Her foot is no longer on the floor. He does the same on the other ankle and she is effectively suspended.

She has no purchase anywhere to struggle and she cannot see anything. Her only option is now to surrender to what awaits her and to him.

He grabs a flogger and starts on her bottom and her shoulder. After a while, he changes to a different flogger, with thicker strands and resume what he was doing.

Her skin is now going to a light red colour. He stops and leave her there, hanging.

He grabs a single tail whip and resumes marking her bottom and her shoulders. She enjoys pain even though she feels like screaming. It brings her relief of all the aggravations she gets from her man. She also becomes a much stronger person, being able to overcome this level of pain. She uses this as a way to overcome anything coming her way.

He feels she had enough and unties her, including the rope blindfold & gag. As she is free, she goes back to struggling free as it is beyond her, she needs to have this struggle. He pins her on the floor even though her back is hurting but she manages to bring her knees up and thus pushes him away. He grabs her legs and sit on them while he grabs her hands in one of his and grabs a rope in the other. They are both breathing rapidly and are very much in tune to what is happening here. He thus ties her hands again and keeps the rest of the rope in his.

She is his prisoner to do as he wishes. She made herself be his prisoner of her own free will. He doesn't yet control her but he is on his way.

He grabs her bound wrists and bring her to him so that he can hold her and never let her go.

She is his. But most importantly he is hers.

I am primal & a brat

Following up to http://marialdnfl.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/primal-orand-submissive-19032015.html, I have had confirmation that I am truly primal.

For those Doms considering me as their sub, here is a manual of how I function:

I am a BRAT. So I will challenge you. I won't do it on purpose. This is me pushing you to take control of me, both physically and emotionally. 

When we play, I will do my utmost to escape. I will do so, trust me on that. And I will fight you. You will have a lot of trouble restraining me. It will be tiring. You will need a lot of stamina to cope with me. It is going to be rough play. Truly rough play. Both of us will get a physical workout. But it will be a great workout.

You will get my animal energy in return. You will get to have the satisfaction of having gotten over me if you succeed in claiming my submission. My submission will have that little bit more excitement because you will have to go and get it. I will not give it to you freely.  This is the moment you will need to be dominant, in the most basic / animalistic way. And we will have that great connection that is totally unforgettable if you get through to me.  

If this seems too much for you, then it may be better you look for someone else. 

While waiting for my interview, I ponder

on things that have been, may have been, should have been and will no longer be.

In my loneliness, I am not doing too bad. My situation is not desperate financially, emotionally and physically.

I am blessed to have lived something that a lot of people will never ever experience in their lives. I am sure someone out there is for me and I will renew this "spiritual connection".

If you have got it, cherish it, protect it, fight for it, don't give it up if it can be salvaged. If things start to go pear-shaped, start talking, don't let it go to be a bigger problem, find solutions, maybe time apart but be honest, be clear and COMMUNICATE. Say what it is that bothers you, don't keep it inside. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your partner.

Life is a constant battle. You have to fight to retain what is good for you but you have to let go when it is no longer. We are only here for a moment so we have to make the most of it.

Now I wonder on the might have been & could have been & think of wasted chances and open wounds that will stay there. I am moving on but these will remain only because we were no longer aligned. For one, we may never have been aligned, for the other, life got in the way.

I walk now in a straight line, facing forward and in constant movement. I hope someone will connect with me along the way and join our journeys.

How is that for things that may be?

Kidnapping - Part II

Actually, we didn't get far as they took me to the room next door, a much bigger room but way way way more terrifying as it contained instruments to inflict pain and contraptions to immobilise.  I am way way beyond afraid, I am terrified.

I am given another letter.

You were warned not to speak. Your punishment is to be restrained on the rectangular tubes on the floor for the next 2 hours. You will regularly be whipped, flogged, pinched and pissed on. Once this is over, you will not be allowed to shower nor change your cloths. Do you understand? Move your head up and down if you do. 

You are NOT allowed to speak, any further disobedience will be met with a harsher punishment. 

Hand over the letter to the wardens and they will start.

And start they do, they grab me to take me to the tubes which have leather cuffs linked by a chain on each corner. They make me lie down and attach each of the cuffs on. I am fully stretched like a cross.

And they leave me like this, alone in the room as they exit it and lock the door. I am terrified. I don't want to have these things done to me. I don't want to be pissed on either. I'd better not say anything as I don't want to get more than what I am getting. I just wished that they would get on with it. This is going to so hurt. I certainly don't want to be pissed on. 

********************

I have been here for a while now.  I don't know how long has passed but they haven't come back to inflict the punishment on me. I am so worried that it is now making me sick. I want to go home. I don't want to be here.

********************

I hear the door open. This is it then. They detach me from the tubes and help me up again forcefully. We exit the room and go back to the first room. They give me a new letter.

You now had some thinking time. Next time the full punishment will be implemented. Your dinner is ready. I suggest you eat quickly as your hands will be behind your back for the night, starting in 15 minutes. Do what you need to do and do it now. The wardens will remain in the room while you get ready.

15 minutes to eat, drink, take a piss, this is so not what we had agreed. How am I to piss with them looking?

God, I must hurry.

********************
Must be times up as they are removing everything, I mean everything from the room. As in the letter, they attach the shackles with my hands behind my back and have arranged for the chain not to be long enough for me to lie down. How am I going to sleep?

Terrified as I am, I am not sure I'll be able to sleep anyway. I am to have one more day of this? What did I do? It was supposed to be a fantasy kidnapping, not a horror movie.  I had checked the company carefully, taken references and I was assured that I would be looked after but not like this. I certainly did not ask for this. My body is hurting everywhere. I want to move the hair from my face and I can't. The shackles are chaffing on my skin and it is getting really painful. I will never dream about being kidnapped after this experience, this is a certainty.  I am starting to feel sleepy so I'll try to rest for now.

********************

The wardens are coming back once she is asleep and carry her into a different room and put her in a bed. There is a breakfast laid out for her when she wakes up and another letter.

********************

How did I get here, in the bed? The last time I remember, I was in the cell. Oh breakfast, and a letter.

I trust you have slept well. you have survived the first day. I suggest that you have a good breakfast as you will be taken to a prison cell to spend the rest of the day. You are still not allowed to speak but you are also not allowed to see anything for the whole of the day. Once you have finished your breakfast, ring the bell and put the blindfold on. The blindfold will have to remain on for the duration of the day. If you need assistance, raise your hand and someone will come to you. You will have authorisation to speak to that person only and for only to ask 1 question or make 1 statement. You are only allowed 2 visits during the remaining of your stay, use them wisely.

I thus eat my breakfast, ring the bell and put the blindfold on. Shortly afterwards, I hear footsteps and feel the usual hands on me lifting me up and off we go. This time, we seem to be going outside as I feel the fresh air on my skin. We walk for a little up to when we stop. I can hear a squeeky sound like a prison door and we come in. The smell is very damp and the air is very old. We go down some stairs and reach a new room I believe. They sit me down and then leave. I hear a heavy door close behind me and the locking mechanism. I am alone again. Only this time, I can't see and I am not allowed to see. This is a nightmare. I have to see where I am so I remove the blindfold. I am in a prison cell. But across my room is a table and a chair and someone is seated there, hooded. Oh God, he saw that I saw him. Oh no, oh no what did I do?

He's standing up, grabbing a pair of handcuffs and a whip and is walking towards me. Oh no no no. Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. He opens the door and grabs my hand, cuffs it and pass the other cuff through one of the steel bars, grabs my other hand and cuffs it. I am cuffed to the door and cannot escape. 

He stands behind me and gets ready. God, what did I do? And he whips me, hard. So painful, please stop. I won't remove the blindfold again, please please stop. And he carries on, whipping me. He doesn't stop. I am in so much pain, I am crying, I don't want this anymore. I want to leave, I don't want this. 

He stops and leaves the cell, leaving me cuffed to the steel bar and in pain. 

I can see him writing another letter which he hands me after finishing.

You were told not to remove your blindfold and you have yet again disobeyed. You will therefore stay with us an extra day. You will remain cuffed like this until I say otherwise and I will put back the blindfold on. Nod to say that you have understood.

I nod and then I am in darkness again. 

What did I do to deserve this? Why are they doing this to me? What did I do to them? I don't want to stay here an extra day. I want to leave.  I want to leave. I didn't sign for this nightmare. I signed for a fantasy, not a nightmare. 

I was given 2 opportunities to ask a question, I think I will use my first one. As much as I can, I lift my hand and keep it up. 

Yes, you may speak. 

It is the first time I hear a voice since my kidnap, this feels so strange.

I would like to leave and be returned home. 

I am afraid this is not possible as you have signed your body to us to use as we please and you have agreed to be punished when committing infractions. What you didn't think of when signing our contract was the fact that once you are with us, we will never let you go. You will remain with us until we say otherwise. We own you, body and soul. You are a prisoner and you will need to understand that you will never ever be free again.
You are no longer allowed to speak, nor will you hear my voice again and we will do whatever we want with you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO