Saturday, 4 July 2015

A kinky alien

Last night was a hot night like the past two weeks. London is subjected to its worst heatwave in recorded history. It was no surprise that last night saw some thunder. I was awakened more by the flash of light than the sound. Something pushed me to have a look through the window on our back door leading to our garden.

And there he was. Well I assume he was a he as his features were masculine like, very muscly, very bulky, very grey and definitely not human.

I should have been scared but I wasn't. I was as if I was in a trance. He comes closer and, without touching the door handle, opens the door. I step back but then completely freeze. My body is no longer responsive, as if it is at his command.

We are in the living room. I like minimalistic decorations so we have a lot of space. In that space, there is a wooden box with a complex lock on it. It is not numbers you need to match but letters. The password is KINKY.

I should be scared but I am not. It is as if, in my bones I know that I will not be harmed.

Needless to say, he found the box and opened it. He looks at me puzzled. I say they are toys. He looks as if he doesn't understand. Somehow, I understand he wants me to visualise what they are for.

He lifts the flogger without touching and then looks at me. So there I am, visualizing him flogging me on my buttocks and my shoulders while kneeling by the sofa. He looks at me even more intrigued and motions me to go by the sofa. I think I know where this is going. I remove my top and my bra and I position myself.

He starts striking but very lightly. I try to think of him striking harder. I think he understood as he does it much better. I try to visualise that it is enough and he stops.

I see him looking at the box and he pulls out my ropes. He looks puzzled. I try to imagine a simple breast tie. This time I imagine myself doing it. He gives me the ropes and I tie myself up. He looks like he quite like that.

I see the sun starting to come out. Mr Alien makes me understand that he has to leave but will come back tomorrow night and that he would like to do more of these toys.

Oh boy, have I perverted an alien?

Friday, 3 July 2015

Submission - how easy it seems to come...

I have now been back on my road to submission for a week now and it is surprising how natural it feels to me. I have given up things that were not necessarily good for me and doing it within the dynamics completely remove the "oh I so miss it, I have to have it, I so have to have it" case. Because I am doing as part of my submission, there is no point thinking about it, it is so not going to happen.

I am faced with the challenges now of incorporating my submission into my every day life.

I so wanted to have these challenges, to do something positive for me & also have someone I could trust to push me that little bit forward.

Photography - writing

These are the areas I want to pursue in my own personal development. I want to be able to do both on equal basis and to do well. Someone today suggested I should become a professional photographer. I don't think I am at that level yet but I am definitely not bad and I have skills, an eye for the beautiful and quirky.

I have a feeling that my submission will help me develop these 2 areas, possibly because my Master is also a keen photographer and I have a few friends who happen to write eroticas, including my previous Dom.

I need to develop the Artist me.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Submission

I am on my journey to submission again, with a new person and it looks like we may stick together. We may have found the right blend of glue.

I am quite excited by that, in the sense that this relationship will correspond to me getting to another level of submission, one that is quite close to 24/7 in the sense that I am contactable all the time and can be required to perform tasks anytime outside working hours.

We are starting slow, rightly so. But I am very excited by this as it will enable me to indulge in that side of me that has been latent and not exploited properly.

What is fantastic is that there is someone out there who is happy to control me as I want to be controlled, like 2 sides of a coin, making us complete. If one side is missing, we are still a coin but not a fully functional one.

I know in me that I am very submissive, borderline slave. In as much as I don't identify as a slave at present, I can see that happening in the future. That may sound surprising considering my strong personality but I don't think it is incompatible being a slave and a strong person. But I need to know first what it is like to be a submissive in a proper dynamic.

So here I am, on my way to meet my Master and thus lose my freedom.

No regrets in life

Yes, the title says it all.

There is no point regretting in life. The only thing regrets do is poison your mind.

I have reached a level of inner happiness that I have never experienced before because I am now fully me and am learning to master that last skill: not to let my husband hurt me by making me angry.

The way I have been trying to live my life for the past few years is that good things and bad things will inevitably happen to you. The trick is how you react to them. You can let the bad things get to you, or not. It will change nothing to the situation but it will change the way you feel.

Similarly, I have made decisions in my life that could have been better. I could have done thongs differently. Well I didn't. So there is no point beating about the bush.

I see all these youngs assuming their life choices and they are happy. I wished I had been as brave and adventurous when I was their age. Well I wasn't. I did different things. I should not regret.

Basically what I am saying is you live the life you are meant to live. You make decisions. You live with the consequences of these decisions, whatever they are. But there is no point second guessing on the what if.

There is a French saying: What if we could put  Paris in a bottle.

I'll let you ponder on this.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Eh Summer is here

Yes, summer is here but it is now too hot.

Last week, we were saying it was too cold for summer and now it is too hot.

We're never happy with our lot, aren't we!

I so want a bath when I get home. Except I won't be able too as I'll have to pick up the kid, prepare his tea, give him a shower... Well, be a mum. My time only starts at 20:30, this is me and fun time.

What I want to give my Master for the support he gives me

Basically, I want to give my Master my body and soul within the limits that have been agreed.

I want to give my body for him to play with, to tease, to torture. Do note that nipples are a very sensitive area so, if you want to play there, you have to lock my hands behind my back, otherwise you will have resistance, no matter how strong my submission is towards you. This is a given.

My body is all yours to do as you wish.

I want to give you my soul also but there are two sides to it: a submissive part and a cheeky bratty part. The submissive me will give you her obedience, her devotion. The submissive me will aim at pleasing you, making you happy. But the cheeky bratty part will aim at making you laugh, making sure you have fun or will wake the primal Master in you. She will give you challenges, that's for sure. But I want to give you that side of me.

I want to give you my violence and my need of being controlled through violence. I want to give you the opportunity to see what lies in the deepest part of me, the primal me where my soul is laid bare, where there is nowhere to hide.

But most of all, I want to give my Master my friendship and support back, listening to Him when He needs to, advising Him when He needs it, and just be there for Him when He needs me.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

FetLife, you nearly sucked me in again

Yesterday I was on Fetlife a bit more, interacted with someone, checking what my friends were up to, seeing what events were there and slowly slowly I could see myself sinking into it again, checking bondage pictures, cat pictures.

As soon as I have realised what was happening, I have logged off.

FetLife is a big Monster that needs to be kept under control.

I have to hold it on a tight leash now.

Ummm, leash ... here's a thought.

Expect the unexpected...

Well, once again, the saying has proven accurate.

As I was gradually moving away from FetLife and some of the kink world, having taken back my gift of submission for lack of worthy recipient, there comes the almighty benevolent Master, ready to take me under his wings and his guidance.

And here I am, I have decided to join his dominion and am happily no longer free.

I think that my chains are very much escape proof. I am not going anywhere.

Monday, 29 June 2015

PRL, the day after

What a change from last month.

The organisers have arranged a discussion on various matters and it was great, including on how to approach people. This is common sense to ask but unfortunately, humans are shy creatures afraid of rejection and therefore we don't.

I had a really good time even if rope was only a small part of it. I saw friends, inc my ex, with who I had a very nice interaction and it was great. It also dreadfully help if you have someone already before attending.

Basically, I had a good day. I would have hated dropping PRL from the events I attend. I am dropping the Camden Crunch during the summer months as it is starting too late. It may reverse back in Autumn.

Today, I am tired but happy. 😊

Sunday, 28 June 2015

PRL, here I come.

Another half an hour and I am making my way to Peer Rope London.

Last time was a total disaster. This time, I hope my experience will be a more positive one.

I find that breaking into that scene is incredibly difficult. The worst is I am sure that there are riggers out there in need of a bunny and they are just faced with the same issues I am usually faced with.

Today, I come in better circumstances as I'll meet a rigger friend. I hope that my day will end on a positive note and not frustrated.

#Scales & #Weight

Oh God. I knew that I put on weight by sitting  in an office all day. Well, in 2 months, I have put one half of what it took me a year to lose.

This is my wake up call.

I am over 109 kgs.

I am hereby setting the following challenge:

By January 2016, I must be below 103 kgs.

I am not asking for the world, I am just asking for 1 kg of weight loss per month, ie 250 grs per week. This should be feasible.

I will keep you updated on my progress.

If I fall on the side and don't succeed for a month, I won't be disappointed as it is not a race but it has to go down and certainly not up.

My first resolution yesterday was to give up lattes and cappucinos. Also, I am giving up viennoiseries.

I need to realise that EATING because you're BORED is not the solution.

Now that I have it out of my system, I'm good.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Z for Zoos - #SpankingA2Z

And now for the last letter of this challenge Z.

Why Zoos? Well, why not? In zoos, we see animals in action and they don't feel in anyway shy or whatever. They go on doing whatever they want to do, how they want to do it. If they want to fuck in plain sight, well, I'm pretty sure that would happen.

Where do I go here.

What I am saying is society has given us rules to follow, behaviours to respect and follow. All this is learned behaviour. When you are primal, you completely let go of this learned behaviour and just be instinct.

This does not mean that you let go of the principles of right and wrong. These will stay with you. But you let go of what is expected of you in play.

When I play, I am no longer a mum. I am just me. Mum will reappear a little while afterwards when the play is over. Because I let go of any baggage I may have, I get to experience magic, I get to be really alive, I access my deepest desires, emotions and I get balance.

Play is the time when my excess can express itself, usually through violence, through resistance. It is a way to reach catharsis.

I have never been mentally balanced as I am now since I indulge into BDSM. And I have never tapped into my inner happiness until when I have realised that everything that I need, all the tools that I need are within me.

My level of self-understanding has gone up exponentially and I am now a positivity powerhouse.

I am happy.

This concludes my A to Z challenge. I am sorry I didn't write everyday but Real Life got in the way. I hope you enjoyed reading my posts as I have in writing them. Take care.

Y is for Yes... Preferably yes, Sir with a bratty tone - #SpankingA2Z

It is so good to be able to say Yes.

Yes is a positive word, opening door to all sort of things and experience.

No can be positive too when you are after a punishment from your Dom and you are pushing his buttons.

I am pretty good at pushing people's buttons and I know my backside will hurt when I do that with someone in particular (not saying anything!).

Anyway, Yes is a fantastic word and it belongs to my vocabulary very much.

X for Exes - #SpankingA2Z

I think the secret to happiness is not to have the following:

Expectations
Regrets
Remorse
A need to hang onto the past
A need to prepare for the future

Yes, we can prepare for the future but only within reason, it should not become pathological which has become the case with my husband and caused the failure of my marriage. He wanted to build for our old ages and our son but forgot that he had a family and that we needed him more than we needed his money.

I have decided not to hang on to this feeling of wasted years waiting for someone who would, in the end, never be in the here and now.

Now, Exes. There are more exes than my husband. They can be Doms, friends, colleagues, bosses. They can be whoever.
Whatever has happened, positive or negative, there is no point hanging on to it as it belongs to the past. You need to move on.

I reflect on those with emotions but I won't let them stop me from moving on.

My journey is a straight line. Some have been travelling on the same route and we have shared those moments for years. Some are only on this route for a short period.

My point is to enjoy the time you have with them for as long as it lasts. Focus on the present. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow. I could be dead tomorrow for all I know. And it would be OK. Why? Because I am at peace with myself and I am happy, with the world and with me.

W for Words - #SpankingA2Z

Words have very big power on me. If my Dom tells me to OBEY, I go deep in my submissive state and this is is what I do.

Words can induce fear, as in I have to receive my punishment and it is not something I relish (that actually never happened to me yet but could very well be).

Words can induce pride, when my Dom tells me I have been a good girl.

Words can destroy when I am named-called and it is a hell of a climb to do to restore my self-confidence.

Words give me pleasure when I write on my blog.

Words can make you ill when you can't get them out of your head or heal you when you talk them through.

I love words, both spoken and written.

V for voice - #SpankingA2Z

I have a voice. I use it to say that I am happy, that I am hurt, that I am hungry or anything.

In submission, my voice is transformed. It is no longer vocal. It is expressed through my actions, my dedication, my submission to my Dom. Words are still important but here is the case where actions speaks louder than words or where you walk the walk rather than  talk the talk.

A voice can be used to say nothing or voice can be used to say something meaningful, to take a risk, to take a chance on someone.

A voice can be made of the sound of one person or of many. It can have volume or not be heard at all.

Voice can be plenty or nothing.

I have a voice and I use it in anyway I can, through sounds, through my words, through my pictures. The voice you hear and see is all of me.

U for Universe - #SpankingA2Z

The universe is a pretty big place and we are only a tiny speck in the fabric of space and time.

This is far too profound for a Saturday morning but nevertheless it is very important.

Why is that?

Because our own Universe, however big it may seem, if we are not happy in it, it doesn't matter how big or how small it is, it is not a good place to be.

My own Universe is inside my brain and my heart. My own Universe is tiny. But it is a  positive and happy place to be.

It doesn't matter that I am a tiny speck in the fabric of space and time, what matters is that this speck is scintillating out of happiness.

T for Timing - #SpankingA2Z

Playing is like being a battery. You play and you get recharged ready for anything.

Yesterday I played. My last real play dated way way way back.

But this play was not really planned, only a little bit, or even a real scene but it felt good, as in having a good piece of fun and I really gelled with the person I played with. We shared a good moment there.

It was also perfect timing as Peer Rope is coming up and I won't be frustrated as I usually am and thus will go there in a much more positive frame of mind. Actually, I am going there paired with a friend rigger already so it will definitely be a lot easier this time around.

Good things happen to those who wait. I have waited. I have, honest.

Friday, 26 June 2015

My book - my new frontier

That's it, I have taken the first step towards writing my book. It is not going to be a big 500 page volume but a smaller affair.

I usually write on the fly, wherever my inspiration takes me but this time my story will be thought of, planned, will have a proper little synopsis and hopefully will come out as a finished article.

As for the story itself, I am thinking of reusing some of the characters already shown on my blog and possibly get them to meet each others.

If there are stories you prefer or particularly liked, you are welcomed to contact me via the comment box. If you don't want it to be published, just let me know too.

This is the start of my new adventure.

Thursday, 25 June 2015

S for Surprises - SpankingA2Z

It is funny how life gives you surprises. I used to swear I was a rope bottom through and through, that I wouldn't tie.

Yesterday, I had the confirmation I want to tie. I am not comfortable to tie anyone else apart from the person I have now tied twice, maybe because we both started together in this, she as a bottom, me as a top and therefore not judgemental of how things should be or not be. We're there to have fun and we most certainly do.

PRL is coming and I should be a bottom then but I am looking forward to see if I can get some topping skills there too. I will need to find someone to tie now! But the person will need to be female. I don't feel comfortable tying a male. I don't know why, well, I kind of do. This is to compartmentalise. I am a sub and not a switch D/s wise. Maybe I am scared of discovering that I could be a switch in D/s or maybe more comfortable as a Domme. Yes, you did read correctly. This doesn't seem so foreign in me as it used to in the past. And I can certainly tell you that if I indulge in my Domme streak, I will be the sadistic kind.

Something else I have also discovered is I think I could Domme girls. But I don't know if it goes all the way to the sexual side. My gut feeling says no.

Which means I have been handed a few surprises, broadening my horizon and becoming myself ever more.